Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Should family only be about...

* Christmas Day

* Birthdays

* Other special functions

and notably funerals!!

I'm a hypocrite, that is all I can say!! I am in no position to take my gran in right now but nor am I happy about her being returned to a place that resulted in her hospitalisation in the first place. Nursing homes are notorius for not caring for the elderly placed in their care!! I'm torn, I'm angry but mostly I'm really angry at myself!! For not having the guts to do what should be done.

I am the outsider looking in. The desire to be needed, wanted, apart of is just not happening. I had come to accept this towards the end of last year but then invite after invite and voila, I have hope even though it was false!! My family is finally being included until *BANG*, it all explodes a few days before Christmas day. Firstly, my lil' family gets told what we don't want and that is you don't want to go camping, you cannot afford it etc. etc. Secondly, I'm not sure anyone gave one iota that our family was the only one not included in the Big Family Get-a-way and just how much it hurt!! Thirdly, I'm the bitch who wanted clarity on exactly what was happening on Christmas day, I'm the bitch that was ruining everyone's restful holiday - excuse me for not wanting to look like an A$$ on Christmas day. You hear 3 different stories about just what is happening, naturally some clarity was needed. But excuse me for wanting to know - just get-a-life Michelle!!

Yes, we are in a mess. Yes, we have made mistakes, Yes, we have asked for help. Yes, I bought a 'f*&^&' tent so that my boys could experience camping again. Yes, we sold our tent +- 8 months ago when it was just sitting gathering dust. Yes, I have contributed to making a mess of our financial situation - but dare anyone who thinks they are squeaky clean cast the first stone!!

I may not be the squeakiest clean of family members but I am a member of this family and I am resigning from it. I am me and if you don't like me, quite honestly, you can shove it where the sun don't shine!! Quite frankly I will never be the person you want me to be and while we are at it I have made BIG mistakes in my life, I am learning to forgive myself, I only wish you could too!!


Capt Elaine Magliacane said...

{{{Mich}}} Oh honey, I wish I could be there to give you a hug, and pat your back while you had a good cry... Sugar, ALL FAMILIES have this stuff going on, in one way or another, funerals bring out the WORST behavior (just my opinion)... Christmas, is another touchy time, supposed to be all sweetness and giving and peace on earth... but ther reality can stress out the best of folks... So you are NORMAL, your family is too... people can be cruel and mean... but they can be wonderful too... Just remember this.. you CAN NOT pick your family, but you can pick your friends... I like to count myself in your friend column... Sending you love and hugs.

Anonymous said...

(()) Familey can really hurt at times. And because they are familey it seems to hurt deeper. Sorry you're hurting. Kare

Kyfarmlife said...

Girl! I'm like Elaine..wish you wernt so far away so I could give you a big old hug! I have to tell you its weird how whats going on with you mirrors my own grandma is in the exact same shape....its hurtful. I've had to basically put the stops on my relationship with my mother..its toxic and hurtful...get this...she LIED to me when we opened our home to her when the ice storm hit and they had no electric and no heat, while we had a generator to at least give us running water and a light or two...then she bitched because he cleaned out my fridge where some of the food thawed and melted and got mad because i didnt say thank you! AND she treats my son like shit...and did so while they stayed..but my brothers son....oh dont get me started...she calls him "the child of my heart" what is my son? I'll tell shit on her shoes as far as she's dont think your going through this alone....its toxic for you just like it is for me...saying NO is not a bad thing even with family, unfortunately its just like that sometimes, but your in control of you and your home...dont let it in, your not a bad person if you remove yourself! Your a great woman, wife and mother, its obvious of that....and WAY TO GO with WW, i did it last year and began to loose and then I lost to temptation. I NEED to do it again!

DianaDesigns said...

Michelle sorry to hear about your Gran and I can completely comiserate with you on that. My Gran had the same health issues and needed to be in a nursing home as well. It tore me up, but it was the best thing for her. She was becoming a danger to herself and those around her. I know that if I ever become like my Gran, I NEVER want to burden my family and I am sure yor Gran would feel the same.

As for family....ack don't get me started. Where is that rolling eyes, pissed off smiley when you need it. I have imagined many times, my hands around my brothers neck, tightening as he turns a lovely shade of Lavendar. That and my foot up my sisters ass.

But yea I am with Elaine on this, love them or not, they are your family. We must (insert puking emoticon here) accept their flaws and try to love them as they are.

Smiles, Hugs and Loves to you.